This is a post that I should have written months ago, but every time I sat down at my computer to write it, the words just would not flow.
This should be easy, but the thing is, I never actually know what to say. Even now. I have so many blog post ideas, but I can’t write any of them until this one is out of the way. There has to be a beginning, right?
Anyone who has ever had a blog knows that the first blog post is always the hardest one to write, but this isn’t my first post. I’ve had several first posts in the life of this blog.
This is not the first Beautiful Screamer, as it started many years ago over on Blogger. It began as a place for me to share my inner thoughts, mostly in the form of my anti-poetry, which really was pretty bad, and maybe even share the inspiration behind them. I did have a few friends who showed me some support, but it never really felt right, and eventually I stopped writing altogether, so there was no point in keeping the blog, but I just couldn’t let it go. I have tried a couple of times to revive it – give it a new life, try something different, find new inspiration – but nothing ever stuck with me. I would write out long blog posts and be really excited about them, then change my mind about them a few days later and erase everything. It was never really something that I shared with others, even though it could very easily be found. It was something I wanted to keep doing, but just didn’t know… how. I failed at every turn, but I still just couldn’t let it go.
Ya see, Beautiful Screamer meant something to me, even if I was terrible at executing it, or even figuring out it’s direction. It’s name meant something for me.
When I created this (and my new book blog) here on WordPress, I was wary. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing, making such big changes in my life, so I asked a trusted friend his opinion on both sites. He was actually as excited as I was about the possibility of a new Beautiful Screamer and wanted to know what my plans were. (I don’t actually have any, not really.) I explained why I thought the others times had failed and why this time is different… and he cut me off right there. He explained that my issue with blogging (all blogging) is that I think WAY too much. (Ain’t that the truth.) It’s not other people’s opinions that stop me from doing what I love, not really, but my opinion. I stand in the way of me.
He went on to share his interpretation of the Beautiful Screamer, his take away from it over the years. It started with me expressing myself, and even though my anti-poetry wasn’t perfect, I didn’t care. It was raw. It was honest. It was me. When I no longer had the words, when I was no longer writing, I avoided it at all cost, and at the same time, I was avoiding me. When I came back to change the blog to work for me, I never realized that I was the one changing, not the blog. The blog started out as a place for me to express myself, a place that was mine where I made the rules, a place where I could be me. Changing it from anti-poetry to other forms of expression (including art) was not changing the blog, it was the blog evolving along with me, and it was my brain that told me I failed, my brain that made me quit – and, in the case of both blogs, my brain making other people’s opinions my reality, believing the opinions of people who did not know me and had no right to express their opinions in the first place. I went from not caring at all what anyone thought of it, to carrying more than I was ever willing to express, or even admit to myself. I did not fail the blog. I failed me.
It took me time (several months) to really think that out and get my mind in the right place to sit down at this and try it again.
So, once again, I’m trying my hand at Beautiful Screamer…
Thank you for joining the ride.
Beautiful Screamer 