Tag: Beautiful Screamer

Ask Me About My Period 2: Slowly Bleeding to Death

megHan

[Ask Me About My Period: A Series]

Things just seemed to get worse.

I’d been falling asleep at my desk for weeks. I’d lost weight, really didn’t have an appetite – and when I did, I wanted all the food. I felt so off, so completely exhausted. And, as typical of me, I did a lot of pretending that I was okay.

But the bleeding didn’t stop. Ever. My period – my terrible period – just became… life.

I was afraid to go anywhere without a pad. (Hell, without a purse full of pads. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I could use a tampon.) And I mean PAD, the kind women use when they have bladder issues. I was going through several a day. Had extra clothes at work.

I was miserable.

I finally confided in my roommate what I was dealing with. And not because I thought she could help me, but to explain why I was a walking, talking, EXHAUSTED nightmare of a roommate that left a MESS everywhere. I just didn’t have the energy to finish anything. I was just barely getting by. And most of the time, not even that.

I was so utterly depressed. I would cry, begging God to take me if that was his plan. I couldn’t do this anymore.

A year ago – a year ago today – she told me to shut up and get in the car.

The night before she had said if I wasn’t feeling better the next morning, she was taking me to urgent care.

(I found out later that everyone knew something was wrong, they just weren’t sure what or how to help.)

I would have never gone on my own. I even told her that morning I just wanted to go to work. (I *had* to go to work.)

“Shut up and get in the car.”

The nurses and receptionists were all looking at me, watching me, as I filled out the paperwork. (I had to sit down at the counter/desk to fill it out – I hardly had the energy to stand. Had started using a cane.) And the doctor saw me right away. He touched my eyelids, my lips – “Do you have any blood in you?”

What?

I needed to go to the Emergency Room right away. He’d call ahead to let them know I was coming.

Checked in there. Waited. More waiting. Tests. Moved into a room. Sleeping – I did a lot of sleeping.

Finally something.

My hemoglobin was at a 5.7. (For reference, it’s supposed to be a 12. At 7, they do a blood transfusion.)

I was getting checked into the hospital…

A Look Back

megHan

2021 was full of changes.

It started with me working with two year olds at a childcare facility, later found me working as an Assistant Manager at a cinema, and ended with me finding my chosen happy place – Assistant Manager at a clothing store. And boy has THAT been an adventure.

It found me ending a relationship (if you could even call it that) with a man who was a complete waste of my time, and at some point during the year, I saved myself from doing the same thing with someone else who did not deserve to be around me. Maybe I’ll put myself out there this year, maybe I won’t, but one thing I will always remember – I am not putting up with reasons and excuses, excuses and reasons. If they aren’t going to make an effort, they don’t deserve my time, energy, or even thoughts.

I made some good friends, reconnected with old ones, did a bunch of gardening, had some fun adventures (some silly, some grand), made some great memories, had a load of fun times with my mom, and really… to be absolutely honest… 2021 wasn’t actually half bad. I mean, yeah, there’s all that “outside stuff” that is going on in the world, but those outside things didn’t put much of a damper on my little neck of the woods… so that’s always a plus. (I have always tried to not let those things kill my tranquility, and it’s sad to watch those I consider friends allow theirs to be killed and, on top of that, watch all the anger that they themselves put out into the world.)

And I now look forward to 2022 and all it has to offer. I learned a long time ago that I – myself – have to CHOOSE whether my year is going to be good or bad, that I – myself – have to MAKE AN EFFORT and TAKE STOCK and STICK TO MY PLAN. And that is exactly what I plan to do this year.

As I Sit Here…

megHan

My intention was to sit down this morning and write a post looking back at last year and setting my eyes on this, but as I took a look “around the place,” taking stock of where this blog is and what it is, I realized that I needed to face where this blog is and what this blog is first.

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I sat down and wrote a blog post here. But then again… I guess I can believe it. 2021 was an interesting year, full of ups and downs, for all of us, and in that year, a lot of the things that I loved to do were put aside because I just… didn’t want to. Or maybe I couldn’t. It’s a feeling that I can’t explain, but one that cut me deep every time. Staring at a blank screen, or avoiding that blank screen…

It’s interesting – and I can’t be the only blogger that does – but I have several posts sitting in Draft… not quite finished. Some are just silly, and some are me sharing a part of myself with the strangers in internet world. Before I started this post, I looked over them – and the vast list of ideas I have to write about here – and realized some of the things I want to write about are things I need to deal with personally, and maybe that’s why they are on the list, a way to force me into confronting those demons, or telling my side of the story, or maybe a way of connecting with someone – anyone – who may have been in that situation before. I write these long, drawn-out opuses, and then, upon rereading them (checking for errors, making sure they sound eloquent), I have second thoughts, decide to wait a few days, save it in the Draft folder and move on – not ready to share, but also not ready to delete. So they sit there, waiting, waiting for me to be ready.

I have another list, sitting next to me. A list of all the things I need to “work on.” Some of them are simple – sitting in my garden with a cup of tea every morning when I have a day off, write in my journal every day, spend 30 minutes before bed reading. Others are more complex. Some have to do with some personal changes that I want to work on this year, others are things that I want to work on professionally to make me the best at what I do (I don’t compete with others, only myself, but in both of my chosen careers, I always go the extra mile to make sure that I am the best choice, whether its continuing education, reading books on the subject, learning from other professionals, etc). On that list is to sit my tush down in this chair and write more here. You have to start somewhere…

An Introduction

megHan

I’m sure if you’re here, reading this, than you read the last post about the evolution of this blog, but let me take a moment to tell you a little about me before I start letting all of my inner turmoil splash across your screen.

My name is Meghan. Spelled the right way. With an H. (I know, I know. If you’re name is Megan or any other variation, you’re ready to argue with me right now, because your spelling is “clearly” the correct way. But it’s not. And it’s okay. We can still be friends. Haha.)

I was born in Winter Haven, Florida (a little known fact), but was raised in and around Houston, Texas. I will always be a Texan, but there was a part of me that also longed to be back here in Florida. And a few years ago, I made that dream a reality, moving to Port St Lucie (along the Treasure Coast).

I have been a book blogger for… it’s crazy to think… almost eight years. Based on my definition of success, I’ve done a pretty good job of it so far, and plan to continue on, a little stronger than I have been as of late, and I’m always changing things around. (If you’re interested in books, you should check it out.)

That wasn’t really before blogging became cool or anything, but it was a long time before my friends (or anyone I met really) could understand WHY that was something I had chosen to do. (I still have friends who just don’t understand, and they will change the subject every time I mention it.) I guess blogging is something like hanging out with your mom (something I do a lot)… you can only be so cool doing it.

Let’s see… I’m a daughter, sister, and aunt. A fur-mom to my gorgeous Mia, who is pretty much me… if I had four legs, a tail, and whiskers. A book editor. A chef without a professional kitchen. (A purveyor of delectable fare and pulchritudinous confections.) An avid reader and learner. Obsessed with big words.

I am opinionated. Mainly about how people should be to their fellow man. Some of that based on emotions and things that I have witnessed, some of it based on my faith.

I often call myself a work in progress. I’m not fixing myself or creating myself, but more finding myself, having been lost for so long among the big noise of the world we live in. I’ve been lost for a long time, wandering aimlessly… but, eh, that’s another story. (I might tell you about that one day.)

I love hot tea, peanut butter, British mysteries, reading, and gardening.

I am obsessed with flamingos, anything Disney, Halloween AND Christmas, and villains.

I am passionate about a lot of things. Just start a conversation with me and you’ll find that out quick. I also know a lot of random information that no one in this crazy world is interested in but me, and that fact doesn’t really stop me from sharing it with random “victims.”

I am creative and yet creativity scares me (another thing I may discuss one day)…

And I am clearly terrible at talking about myself.

I tend to be sarcastic, sometimes without even realizing that I am being so. (I apologize in advance.)

My largest claim to fame has been *drum roll*… In high school, I was voted most likely to stand on a street corner and offer people stickers…

and all these years later, I’m still a huge fan of stickers. But they were wrong. I have an awful hard time sharing them. Sharing them means that they are no longer here, which means they are gone, which means I can no longer enjoy them… yeah, that’s a tough one.

So… I started this blog because I wanted a place to express myself, in lots of ways, about lots of things, a place that I could call my own. A place where I belong, even if it’s a place that I created myself.

I’m not here to make money, to sell you anything, or to obsessively look at my blog statistics (I have never been that way about the book blog either). I’m just here to share. Not a lifeSTYLE blogger, but a life blogger.

I can’t promise that you’re going to love, or even like, all of the things that I have to say, but together we may learn something about ourselves and this world we live in, together we may grow.

I don’t share my thoughts because I think it will change the minds of people who think differently. I share my thoughts to show the people who already think like me that they’re not alone.”

The Many Lives of Beautiful Screamer

megHan

This is a post that I should have written months ago, but every time I sat down at my computer to write it, the words just would not flow.

This should be easy, but the thing is, I never actually know what to say. Even now. I have so many blog post ideas, but I can’t write any of them until this one is out of the way. There has to be a beginning, right?

Anyone who has ever had a blog knows that the first blog post is always the hardest one to write, but this isn’t my first post. I’ve had several first posts in the life of this blog.

This is not the first Beautiful Screamer, as it started many years ago over on Blogger. It began as a place for me to share my inner thoughts, mostly in the form of my anti-poetry, which really was pretty bad, and maybe even share the inspiration behind them. I did have a few friends who showed me some support, but it never really felt right, and eventually I stopped writing altogether, so there was no point in keeping the blog, but I just couldn’t let it go. I have tried a couple of times to revive it – give it a new life, try something different, find new inspiration – but nothing ever stuck with me. I would write out long blog posts and be really excited about them, then change my mind about them a few days later and erase everything. It was never really something that I shared with others, even though it could very easily be found. It was something I wanted to keep doing, but just didn’t know… how. I failed at every turn, but I still just couldn’t let it go.

Ya see, Beautiful Screamer meant something to me, even if I was terrible at executing it, or even figuring out it’s direction. It’s name meant something for me.

When I created this (and my new book blog) here on WordPress, I was wary. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing, making such big changes in my life, so I asked a trusted friend his opinion on both sites. He was actually as excited as I was about the possibility of a new Beautiful Screamer and wanted to know what my plans were. (I don’t actually have any, not really.) I explained why I thought the others times had failed and why this time is different… and he cut me off right there. He explained that my issue with blogging (all blogging) is that I think WAY too much. (Ain’t that the truth.) It’s not other people’s opinions that stop me from doing what I love, not really, but my opinion. I stand in the way of me.

He went on to share his interpretation of the Beautiful Screamer, his take away from it over the years. It started with me expressing myself, and even though my anti-poetry wasn’t perfect, I didn’t care. It was raw. It was honest. It was me. When I no longer had the words, when I was no longer writing, I avoided it at all cost, and at the same time, I was avoiding me. When I came back to change the blog to work for me, I never realized that I was the one changing, not the blog. The blog started out as a place for me to express myself, a place that was mine where I made the rules, a place where I could be me. Changing it from anti-poetry to other forms of expression (including art) was not changing the blog, it was the blog evolving along with me, and it was my brain that told me I failed, my brain that made me quit – and, in the case of both blogs, my brain making other people’s opinions my reality, believing the opinions of people who did not know me and had no right to express their opinions in the first place. I went from not caring at all what anyone thought of it, to carrying more than I was ever willing to express, or even admit to myself. I did not fail the blog. I failed me.

It took me time (several months) to really think that out and get my mind in the right place to sit down at this and try it again.

So, once again, I’m trying my hand at Beautiful Screamer…

Thank you for joining the ride.