I’ve spent most of my life being told that I am jealous by one person or another. Either of them or of someone else. But jealousy is a feeling that I have very rarely felt, about anyone.
I am angry. It was always angry. And no matter how much I protested being jealous, no matter how many times I would say that what I was feeling was anger, no one listened.
I was wrong. I was clearly wrong. They KNEW what I was feeling, and what I was feeling was jealousy. Now, maybe I was angry about being jealous, or angry at them because I was jealous (angry that they had what I didn’t have), but yeah, jealousy, it was definitely jealousy.
(Yes, that entire paragraph was filled with sarcasm, just to make sure you all caught it.)
Even now, many years later, if I say something negative about someone, if I cringe when I hear someone’s name, if I refuse to believe that someone has repented or is a better person now, I’m reminded (by one person or lots of people) that I am STILL jealous of this particular person. Or that person. Or a group of people. It doesn’t matter.
Even though I know I’m not jealous.
I admit, though, that when it comes to emotions, I don’t really… understand. Especially when they don’t make sense, like crying when you’re angry. I mean, I get “big” emotions, like happy, and sad, and… angry. It’s those other ones that give me trouble.
So I researched what jealousy means.
I mean, maybe I WAS wrong all along…
Jealousy, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, means “an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.”
In most cases, according to my research, jealousy is something that involves romantic relationships. Your spouse could be jealous of the time that you spend with another, or the perceived time that you spend with another. On the other hand, someone outside of the relationship could be jealous of what you (or your spouse) has, wanting you (or them) for themselves.
Now, jealousy can also happen in the workplace – maybe someone got a promotion that you think you better deserved, or you find out that someone is being paid more than you are; maybe your boss is paying more attention to someone else, or you feel that you are not being recognized for your successes while others are; maybe their office is better, or their parking space is better located, or they get the hours that you want. It can also be outside of your workplace, like someone getting a job while you’re still searching, seeing someone who seems to have their career perfectly planned, or even your dream career while you are just starting out. Or even while you are floundering, not sure of what direction you need to go.
Jealousy can also happen in families. We’ve all heard about sibling rivalry, maybe even know people that are in constant competition with their brother or sister. Instead of seeing what they have and what they receive in this familial relationship, they see what the other(s) get and believe that it’s better, even if it’s not necessarily something that they themselves want.
Let’s look back at that definition: “an unhappy or angry feeling” (okay, I have already said that it’s anger) “of wanting to HAVE what SOMEONE ELSE HAS.” That’s very specific. Something someone else HAS.
See? That’s where the problem lies. I don’t look at someone and think that I want what they have.
I don’t even compare myself to others, not really. (Okay, so I’ll be honest – I look at Mandy Rose, who is one of the most gorgeous things ever created by God, and I definitely notice all my flaws after, but that’s not the same thing, at least I don’t think so. Many women look at others and think that they wish they were thinner or wish they were heavier… or darn it, they wish they could wear a plaid shirt in the fall without looking like a damn lumberjack. Or a baseball cap. I want to wear a baseball cap.)
I may get down on myself for not working as hard as I should have in order to have whatever it is that I want (I am the one that stands in my way) or get angry AT MYSELF for letting a dream pass by, but I don’t get angry at someone because they have something that I dream of. That’s silly… and contrary to what seems like popular belief, it’s not the way I think.
You’re married and I’m not? That’s fantastic that you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I am so happy about that, and I truly hope (and pray) that it works out for you. I hope to one day find that myself.
You had children and I haven’t? I’m so glad that God blessed you in that way. I was not blessed that way, but I have found other ways to share my love with the world. If you ever need a babysitter, let me know!
You’re successful in your chosen career and I am not as successful in my chosen career? I am so proud of you for all the hard work that you put into getting to where you are now. Do you have any advice? I would like to be there one day, but I have a lot more work to put into it.
We have the same passion, but you are doing so much better at expressing it than I am? We all have a different voice, and because of that, what we put out into the world as individuals really matters. It also means that neither one of us are doing what we do wrong, and that we are both “succeeding” in our own way. Let’s talk and compare notes. I’d like to learn from you and you to learn from me, and as a community, we can build each other up. (This is especially big, I think, as a blogger, because I don’t necessarily want what others do. My blogs aren’t a business for me. They’re just a place for me to express myself about my passions. Editing, that’s my business. Something I made sure I was highly educated in so that I could do the job that is necessary. We’re all in this for different reasons, and I can’t compare what I do with what someone else does if we don’t have the same end result.)
[Insert your big news, your goal that you just completed.] That is amazing! Gosh, I am SO proud of you. I’m just starting my journey out and can look at how you got to the end of yours and learn from it, maybe even find things that will help me get to mine. Every day is a new day, and I remind myself each morning that I’m one day closer to getting to my [insert big goal]. I’m so excited that one day I will get to share great news with you, too.
Not everyone knows how I think – NONE of us know what goes on inside someone else’s mind, NONE of us have walked in an other’s shoes, NONE of us know what it’s like to live someone else’s life – so I can see, having done the research, how people could have misconceptions of the way that I feel, of the way that others feel. But to be judged on how I feel based on something that you don’t know about me, refusing to listen to me explain where you’re wrong? That’s a bit presumptuous, don’t you think?
Let me explain my anger:
I get ANGRY when you treat me, or someone I care about, or someone I don’t care about, or someone I don’t even know (and I have witnessed it), poorly. Like, that is a HUGE thing for me. (Who do you think you are?) I’ve always been taught that you treat others the way that you want to be treated and I have spent my life TRYING to live by that. (I’ve noticed that, as I’ve gotten older, I get even ANGRIER watching people’s poor behavior towards others.)
My ANGER increases when people believe that you are right for treating me, or someone I care about, or someone I don’t care about, or someone I don’t even know, that way. I’ll get angry at them as part of the equation, I will lose all respect for them, but my anger will be directed (usually just in my mind and sometimes even deep in my soul) at you because you are the one with the bad behavior and you have somehow made people believe that your actions are proper. (Or maybe they’re just jerk-faces like you. I hadn’t thought about that until writing this paragraph.)
I stay ANGRY when your behavior is not a one-off, when you continue to treat me, someone I care about, someone I don’t care about, or someone I don’t even know, poorly. Everybody has bad days and, yeah, maybe you were just having a bad day the first time around, but the second, and third? There is no excuse. There is NO excuse for you to hurt someone (sometimes to their very core) by your words, actions, or deeds. (Is that YOU being jealous? Have you chosen to attack this person because YOU are jealous of them? Is there something about them that you wish you could be, or something that they do that you wish you could, or do they have something that you want? All good questions.)
My ANGER is something that is hard for me to let go of, even as I hold it deep inside where no one can see, and it stays there, festering. I won’t even try to lie about that. The more I watch you direct your… whatever… at me or someone else, the angrier I get, the more it grows, and even though I know that my anger is only hurting me, it’s something very hard to move past. Especially when you don’t have the humanity (or humility) to apologize for your deeds, or even realize you’ve hurt someone at all.
I watch as you treat that person who only wants to be your friend with anger and contempt, watch as that person has been a better friend to you than any of the people you call your friends. I watch as you push them away, as you publicly humiliate them, as you encourage your real friends to do the same. I watch how, years later, its that person that you go to, having watched those “real friends” come and go.
I watch how you treat your sister, the terrible (and sometimes evil) things you have done to her. I watch as you blame HER for what you have done, some slight that you’ve decided she’s done to you that would make you behave in such a terrible way, or even just because you feel you are better than her, you are loved more, you are the precious one. I also watch her, the tears she sheds as your spit hits her face, as your vile words hit her ears. I watch as you shatter her very being, and the smile that crosses your face when you see how much you have hurt her. (I also watch you brag to your friends, who praise you for your victory against… what? How were you actually victorious?)
I watch as you treat that stranger – that absolute stranger – with such disrespect at the grocery store. I watch how loud and proud you are of being absolutely disgusting to another member of the human race, a person who has done nothing to you… except, you know, get in your way when you are ready to cut someone deep with your words.
I watch as you spread your lies. Your terrible lies. About anyone. And your lies about yourself. (Is it a coincidence that your lies about them are terrible, and your lies about yourself make you seem perfect?)
I watch how you talk trash about someone you don’t even know, spreading malicious gossip you don’t even know the truth to, how you ruin the life and credibility and name of someone who has never harmed you… and most likely hasn’t harmed the person that started the gossip in the first place.
I watch you cut someone down with your accusations, with your disparaging words, with the nasty venom that comes out of your mouth, calling them terrible things, degrading their appearance, making judgments you have no right to make. I watch that person walk away, wounded, hurt, sometimes even in tears, as you walk in a different direction, head held high, so proud of what you did to this person, as if you were somehow given the right to not only judge, but condemn, someone else.
My ANGER just grows watching this. And I assure you, my anger is not just at you.
My anger is at ME. Me for not standing up for that person, me for not standing up for myself, me for not being able to convince others that you are wrong, and even me for allowing myself to stay angry for so long… sometimes years and years. Me for not being able to express how I really feel, for not being able to make people listen. Me for failing so many times, for giving people a reason to believe I am jealous.
So, no… I’m not jealous. Of you. Of him. Of her. Of those people over there.
I am ANGRY because people have forgotten how to treat others. Friends. Family members. Significant others. Their own children. Coworkers. Bosses towards their employees. People in their community, no matter what community that is.
People have FORGOTTEN what it is to be a good person. They’re merely people… people with excuses to behave badly while pretending that they are the good guy.
I am ANGRY because people use very personal things against others, as part of their attacks, and they hurt people more than they will ever know. And yet those same people have been hurt, and maybe that’s why they do it – they couldn’t hurt their attackers, so they picked someone they considered inferior and attacked them. (Is that really any way to live?)
I just read this whole thing again and I realized WHAT it is that I AM guilty of. I am guilty of not jealousy, but of judging people. I judge YOU. Not on your looks, not on your clothes, not on what you have or where you have it, not on your relationships or your families. I judge YOU on YOUR BEHAVIOR, and YOUR BEHAVIOR ALONE. And it is YOUR behavior that makes me angry, and keeps me angry, and honestly… How could I compare myself to someone who treats others with such contempt? How could I be jealous of someone who lives their life so full of anger and hatred that they take it out on anyone and everyone near them? How could you possibly think I want ANYTHING you have when THAT is how you live your life?
(I’m not speaking of anyone specific in this post. I’m not even thinking of anyone specific. I’m thinking of people in general, just to make that clear.)
Think about it: When is the last time you treated someone badly? What did you say? What did you do? Why did you do it? Did they really deserve what you did to them? Did you apologize?
There’s another something I’ve tried to live: Once your words are spoken, they cannot be taken back, they cannot be unheard, they cannot be forgotten. They can only be forgiven.
Beautiful Screamer 